Is the Road to Divorce Inevitable?
Updated: Sep 10, 2019
Divorce starts in conflicted minds, which feeds into destructive emotions and produces misbehavior. It appears to rescue us from the torment of bad relationships, but the actual divorce happens long before we ask courts, lawyers and judges to get involved. To avoid divorce, we must stop treating marriage like it’s a game to be played.
We can see the signs of a marriage heading for divorce before the honeymoon begins. Even if we miss the starting signs, we can’t miss their inherent instabilities. This is why some marriages look good on the outside, but the couples in it feel hollow and empty. It is a weak-mindedness unique to marriages, which makes us question our very existence as complete persons. We may look confident to the world, because we learn how to play with appearance as adults. But in putting on shows for others to misjudge the truth about us, we look like giant tree props on a stage. We look good. But we’re not real. A gentle breeze, a little quarrel, and we fall.
We rarely rely on our unique strengths in our marriages. Rather, we try to capture and control others and we call it romance. Most of our marriages are based on deep emotional attachments, but the bedrock for those attachments is often insecurities. We’ve drilled into our collective psyche certain expectations in marriage that we simply cannot sustain. They corrode and eat at the foundations of even well-meaning relationships, until there is nothing left to hold them together.
Habitually, we start with gentle possessiveness. Times shared are valued only when we are given absolute attention. We must have exclusive dominion over others. The mind, body and soul, are all bits of evidence. And we must collect them, keep them and use them. Otherwise we’ve not been fully loved. We seldom express gratitude without extracting a reward. We swear to love sincerely, but in fearful expectation that we’ll be lied to, cheated on, and destroyed in the end. We demonstrate little faith in love.
Instead of surrendering to the grace of love, we use it as a tool for separation. Love becomes the foundation on which we build walls and separate the people we love from everyone else around them. Brick by brick, we trap our loved ones into emotional, psychological and economic darkness. We’ve come to accept relationship highs and lows as normal tidings. Recording grudges is how we track time. But having each other’s complete surrender never seems to satisfy our hunger.
That’s why we wait impatiently to escape. We’re vigilant in love, ever guarding our sins from being exposed, and watching for the right mistakes to break us free. We may regret the losses, but our pleasure-centric minds move on quickly. It’s as though a marriage must fail the moment the juice promised to us is no longer worth the squeeze we must endure. We can’t stand to be squeezed, not even in the name of love.
We control those we marry, until we’ve reduced them to shells of their true selves. We guard their commitments with hard boundaries, and we seek decisive revenge as a way of keeping score. These are the elements that create conditions for divorce in a marriage.
However, divorce is a dead-end in our pursuit of happiness. It’s not the death of a marriage itself, unless we decide to make it so. A dead marriage is a bitter end. It is a moment of truth when we can no longer take the pain, the guilt or the feeling of being unloved, and we have nothing left to give. We reach this point after a long trial. This is our expected end after we’ve spent our lives covering up emotional wounds that won’t heal. They won’t heal because we left them untreated. It is how we give up when we can’t deny the pain in our bleeding hearts any longer. When we can’t stand ourselves anymore, we accept this harsh verdict of separation. It is the final judgment against our materialistic existence.
Though these signs and facts lead us down the road to divorce, it is not an inevitable end. We can combat the void and loss by being truthful to ourselves and our spouses. Instead of avoidance, we can face our insecurities head on. Our emotional wounds must be treated and healed, not ignored. We must reevaluate the expectations we put on marriage and on each other. If we don’t want to divorce, then we must actively cultivate and communicate love with gratitude.
© Jeremiah N. Ollennu and www.ollennuandassociates.com, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jeremiah N. Ollennu and www.ollennuandassociates.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.